Jeremy Likwarz 1992-2018
May 16th, 2018, my life and many others was changed forever. My son, Jeremy, lost his battle against the disease of addiction.
Jeremy’s life journey began April 8th, 1992. At that moment, little did we know that our lives would be so drastically affected by mental illness and drug addiction. He was born early and had to stay in the ICU. I felt lost when I had to leave him at the hospital although it was only for a few short days. My worry then was to make sure he got to come home soon. Little did I know as parents the worries never end.
I watched Jeremy grow into a caring little boy whose dream job was to become a crossing guard for animals. He didn’t want to see any more animals killed on the streets. He always had a special connection with every animal he encountered and cried when he saw one hurt. If we saw anyone on the street homeless he wanted me to stop to help each and every one. He’d get so frustrated and tell me “but they need loving too!” The little things he did for everyone he met did not go unnoticed.
His little sister was his pride and joy until she started knocking over his blocks and legos. She followed him around and always waited for him to get home. I know sometimes this annoyed him but his love for her shined through with all the snuggles and times I would peak around the corner to watch him play with her or try to explain things to her. Can’t forget all the stolen kisses when he thought I was not looking. There were many times that she would get into something and I would catch him cleaning up or taking the blame. She always knew she could count on her big brother to have her back. The closeness they had and the love and admiration he had for his niece, Esther, made this Mama’s heart melt. He was so excited and proud to be an Uncle. His sister looked up to him and fought for him and will continue fighting for him and others by sharing his story. She will always make sure that Esther knows him and the love he had for her.
He had such a love of the outdoors. Fishing, hiking and hunting. He always said the place he was most at peace was out in the woods. He loved being a Boy Scout. Derby races, camping and the patches. He always had so much to tell us about his adventures, what he had learned and the things he showed us made my heart bubble over.
But Jeremy’s true love was playing basketball and football. His love of football started at age 4 when he first started attending the Green Bay Packer camps. The Packers were his diehard team while no matter who the Badgers played he always rooted on for the opposing team. He was never afraid to be who himself even if it included being the only oddball in a sea of red. His love of sports pushed him to his limits and beyond. He always gave it his all and a loss would devastate him, but he would pick himself back up and get back out there and try again. He was always encouraging his teammates, trying to build them up and build up the team confidence. He was so persistent or maybe just stubborn.
Even at an early age we knew he struggled with mental health and multiple doctors. But he continued to live life at its fullest through all his struggles. During high school, many things changed. He had some losses he could never really get over that included the loss of a baby and Grandpa Rick. This is when he started to smoke weed and drink trying to find a way to cope with the loss and pain he felt. As a parent I did not worry about this at first. Then the injuries started, concussions led to headaches and OxyContin to help with the pain. Once the prescriptions were used up he took to buying pills from friends then stealing them. Then he turned to heroin. It was cheaper and easier to get. He was a very high functioning addict who held down a full-time job, went to college, had a place of his own and at family get togethers always had on a smile.
I did not know how bad it had gotten until he called me at work that day telling me that he had an accident. He was so upset, and I couldn’t understand. Everything would be ok, he was safe, and cars can be fixed. Little did I know what was coming when I closed the office to go get him. When he finally got into my car I knew something was horribly wrong. He broke down and told me he was addicted to heroin and wanted to stop, he needed help. I had never seen him so broken. While we waited for his Dad he told me it had been going on for quite a while, told me who he used with, that his friend had to use Narcan to revive him, and that he was tired of living like this. He tried numerous times to run into traffic wanting to die. He was taken to the ER. Since he was suicidal the ER finally admitted him. Any other time he went to the ER they refused to admit him and turned him away. Criteria to admit addicts must change and soon.
Addiction was the result, but the true diagnosis was never correctly handled. All addictions start somewhere with an issue, a problem that all stem from some form of mental illness. Jeremy went through many different medications to try and find the right one that would work. He was put on Suboxone and at first, he was so excited that something was “helping” him get better. But then when he tried to stop taking Suboxone the withdrawal was worse than when he was trying to quit using heroin. He would try to ween off it slowly and many times went without. He was always worried about how he’d pay for treatment, MAT medications and missing work.
The biggest change was when he found a treatment program and found someone he could connect to, someone he could trust and really open up to about what was going on deep inside. It was then that finally he started getting the help he needed. His counselor told me he had no problem talking. This made me smile and others who knew him know why. He started working on the cause of his pain and he was so focused on recovery. He had been in recovery for such a long time and even tattooed his recovery date on his arm where he could see it if he ever thought of shooting up again. He once told me that he never wanted to put anyone through the pain of anyone losing him if anything were to happen to him. That was one of the reasons he did not take his own life. He was determined to stay sober and work hard towards a better life. His honesty with me whenever he was using or going to make an unwise decision showed me he really wanted sobriety and would battle with everything he had.
Something happened that night that led him to use one last time. What that something is we will never know. I know he didn’t think this would be his last time or that he would never get to see us again, never get to live out his dreams to marry, have children of his own nor fulfill his dream job of having his own mechanic shop. Those dreams are now cut short.
I really thought that he had this beat. Even with the PTSD and mental health issues of bipolar, depression and anxiety. I never once doubted his strength. He told me he had things under control, that he would live forever that he couldn’t die. But on that night, May 16th, I will never forget your sister running out of the house screaming and sobbing “Jeremy is dead, Jeremy is dead, my brother is dead”. I never drove so fast to get anywhere until that night when all I wanted was to get to him. To see that it was not true. That he was still alive. But once we got there as I saw everyone standing outside, the police lights, the police guarding the door I knew at that moment there was no more hoping. I tried to go see him, but they told me that I couldn’t go in that they were processing the scene. I went into my truck, shut the door and screamed at God “WHY!” “I only fully gave you one thing, relented all I had to you, trusted you to just take care of my son, heal his pain and his disease of addiction how could you let this happen?”. We waited outside for hours and then the coroner came out to tell me it was better that I didn’t see him. It would not be a good idea if I wanted to remember him the way he was not the way he looked that night. Then they brought him out in a body bag. Watching them carry him out was surreal. I wanted to run up to him, hold him and tell him how much I loved him, hear him say it back one more time feel one more hug, but I couldn’t. He was gone I was so angry at him. How could he have let this happen, why would he use again? Now I just miss him and want him back!
Jeremy had the most amazing smile, a loving heart and always tried to make others happy even though he struggled with happiness himself. Everyone still comments that his smile would brighten up a room and for the ones who knew him they will never forget his compassion and empathy for other people and their problems. Jeremy was not the type of person to get close to people but once he did he would stand beside them for life. He was blessed with many things and had such a bright future. Many people did not know of our journey filled with so much angst and fear, then hope and celebration over his successes. He was unable to win the battle, a battle that lasts a lifetime. The craving that comes from this disease was more than he could overcome. Even through his own struggles though, he was able to help many others who struggled with life and addictions.
No one is born with the goal of becoming a drug addict. Addiction leads to parents outliving their children and a sister to mourn her sibling. It leaves a niece behind who will never get to enjoy all the things he was supposed to do with her. A fiancé and step son are left in limbo. The life they were planning together now just a distant dream.
His friends and families are left behind. Some struggling with their own addictions and mental illness. Something Jeremy said during his battle against the devil’s drug was “You see, we’ve all done our dirt. God knows that I have, and I know I can’t take that back. But, I can say today I’m making a change. I’m gonna leave the drama in the past, so if you trying to bring me down, don’t you ever come around”.
His fight was courageous, and he was fought so hard but sometimes God has a different plan. I won’t pretend to understand. During my grief journey (something I did not ask for) I have gone through many things including guilt and what if’s. These things can drag a person down a deep hole and if it wasn’t for my faith and supporting family and friends I do not know how I could handle this. Some days the pain is unbearable and others I can smile and remember with laughter. I know deep in my heart Jeremy is finally at peace, no longer in pain, no longer fighting his demons. He is with his Grandma Ewing, Grandpa Rick and the little baby he never got to know. I hope he knows how many people love and care about him. We will continue sharing your story and helping other families like you helped so many people on your time here on Earth. And I will see him again someday.
Heroin addiction carries an unbearable amount of pain, misunderstanding, loneliness and shame. An addict never wants to be an addict. This was so true for Jeremy. He fought this battle with everything he had. He tried his best to take the steps needed to change the course of his life. While his passing is shocking to some, family members who have someone they love as an addict understand. I lived with the constant fear of this day, of getting the call. But it does not make his death any more bearable or our struggles with grief any less. My son’s addiction wasn’t something that I talked about much but now I will not be silent any more. The stigma with heroin addiction needs to be lifted. So many people are affected by this devil’s drug and the more that people talk about it the more things will change. Some of it may be familiar because surprisingly, this addiction happens to ordinary people every day.
As parents, the dreams you once had for your child of addiction, the hope, make you grasp onto change. You hope that they will stay sober, stay healthy, be successful and finally find peace.
Having a loved one who is an addict is an everyday struggle and consumes your life at times. You wonder if you will hear from them and when you don’t you wonder if they are ok. You hide things from family and friends whether from shame or fear of judgement. Other times when you do talk about it people do not understand. They say it wouldn’t happen to their children or cannot relate. Then you get angry. They do not realize how lucky they are to not have to understand, to not have to deal with loving an addict. Addiction affects the whole family. It causes them to fear a knock on the door or a late-night call. Drug addiction and overdose deaths has increased statistics and made many people fall to their knees praying for a solution.
Drug addiction is a disease. People who are addicts have families and dreams too. Yet they are labeled with unforgiving names by people who truly do not understand. See addiction does not discriminate. Drug addiction doesn’t care if the addict came from a broken or loving home. Drug addiction does not care if you believe in God. Drug addiction does not care about the color of your skin. Drug addiction does not care if you are a business owner, a mother or father, a famous person or that kid just down the street. It does however show how a one-time lapse in judgment, that one-time choice that is made, will change you and your family’s life forever. As a mother I learned how to hate the drug and how it changed my son. But he was my son therefore you love the addict. It was not my son that used but the addict. But in the end, it was not the addict who died but my son.
I created Speak Up for Jeremy to share Jeremy’s story in hopes to help other families struggling with a loss of a loved one, people suffering with addiction or recovering. To stop the stigma and shame associated with substance use disorder and mental health. To help educate the public on this epidemic. To promote and make change in the mental health industry and co-occurring disorders. We write blogs to share experiences, inspiration and bring hope through grief and recovery. We also share others stories to help people realize they are not alone through this battle. We provide resources, grief support, and partner with our community to bring change.
The number of lives being lost are heartbreaking and staggering. I will never stop fighting this fight, I will never be silent again!
If you are struggling with addiction, mental illness or a loss yourself. Please know you are not alone and that it is ok to speak up and reach out. #SpeakupforJeremy or for anyone who can’t or won’t.